Revelation

In my en devours, I’m learning just how much truth the quote,”The best things in life are free” really has.

Its funny you know because people are so caught up in things and money, technology and such. We boast about the latest version of this, or ten day trips under the sun, Fast cars, fancy houses – that will never be homes, the material things and the superficial happiness it all brings.

For what?

Are you still excited about the hundreds or dollars you’ve dropped on bullshit 5 years after its been used, collected dust and thrown away?

Since when did those things belong in determining happiness?

I’ve been privileged enough to see both sides of the spectrum.

I’ve played all the rep sports you can imagine, had the nice clothes, been more than spoiled rotten, when I was young, had gaming systems, take out food, a cottage, went on small trips got souvenirs. But when I reflect those are also some of THE most miserable years of my life. Because at that point, money was the only important thing to my parents, they thought If they just bought me everything I could have ever wanted I would be happy. If I had more than the neighbour’s kids, I must be happy. Maybe I was, for a short while. But the things I lack are good memories, funny and embarrassing family stories that always get told, get together’s with family and friends, traditions, unbreakable one-of-a-kind relationships that you build with aunts, uncles, cousins, and that one relatives friend who has become family, scar’s from running through the creek or falling out of climbed tree’s. Things that you can’t purchase at Walmart, things that are integral to how you turn out in life. They are the building blocks of your values, your moral blueprint.

It wasn’t until I was 14-15, my parents had taken a turn for the worse and I was out on my own. At the start I was bitter, angry and selfish. But it was also during that time that I had learned my parents didn’t owe me anything, hell they had gotten me this far. I learned, slowly but surely, that not everything in life needed to be bought or could be bought. I learned that It felt way better to have someone love and respect you, be considerate of your feelings and encourage you to be a better person, rather than have someone buy you things and shove it in your face that “they do everything for you”. It also felt better to work and earn things rather than to be given everything.

Since the fuck when did buying people things become more important than honesty, or loyalty, consideration, respect, integrity or being faithful?

Our perspective and priorities in regards to how we interact and involve ourselves with people in this generation is absolutely more than backwards and completely fucked.

When did we stop taking time to just spend time with people? To have a face to face conversation or commit to a weekend or invite your whole family for dinner just because?

When did It become OK to always just send a quick text, or buy someone something to say “im sorry” rather than just not doing it again, or when did it become OK to say terrible things, jeopardize relationships, be-little people, manipulate and hold thing over peoples heads?

Seriously though, when?

Have people forgotten that money really isn’t everything. Sure it helps in life, I can’t deny that, and yes you should treat your damn self – you do work after all! But money doesn’t trump morals, values or fix they way you treat people – and it most definitely does not make you better than anyone or give you the right to be an asshole.

I’m 23 – engaged – house wifing if you will.

I have zero problem with “settling down”, as my friends so loosely call it. I’m happy with that. I’d be more than happy with marriage and a baby by 25-26. I’m ready for that, hell I was ready a year and a half ago, for the life time of full 100% honest commitment, that doesn’t scare me.

I’m not perfect by any means and everyone has their days. But, I’ve done everything in my power since I was a teenager to be a salt-of-the-earth type person, to live honestly, to be grateful for everything I’ve been given and the opportunities that present themselves, to be positive and encouraging. I’ve done my best to keep my network small and full of people who I can trust and count on, I’ve worked hard to ensure that I have a better life, a life that I can be proud of and a life that I’ve earned.

That being said, I have veered from that lately and its time to get back on track. I have no room in my life for the negative. No place here for greed, anger, manipulation, jealousy – I want to work through things, to trust and be trusted, communicate, appreciate, to be counted on, to encourage and be encouraged, be respectful and considerate. I want all the small beautiful things that make me smile. Like when my backyard fills with fire flies late night or when my cattle neighbour’s greet me in the morning.

I want to roll over to the sun on your face and know that we are 100% on the same page. That we are soul mates, best friends, lovers through thick and thin –  that we are meant for each other and safe. Today, Tomorrow and Always.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Disconnect

The strangest part is I honestly don’t know when it happened, or how it happened, or how everything effects EVERYTHING.

When did I become so ..not myself.

When did I stop writing? Laughing, dreaming, working towards things, being ambitious, being friendly, being a good energy in a room, believing in my damn self and my values, when did I stop standing up for myself and following my gut feeling.

Where did that fucking girl go? That girl, I was fucking proud of her. She had been through some shit and was still coming out on top, not letting a single person interfere with her pursuit of happiness.

I know Its been a crazy year, it really has, but that’s no excuse. I’ve lost someone I loved very dearly and I think i have lost part of myself in the process. I am not me, I can feel it and people can see it, I can see it. I see it when I look myself in the mirror and I question what I am doing, who I’m working for, what decision am I making, how am I letting the people around me influence my decisions. The issue is, is that I don’t know when or how this happened, how it got so far along. When did I stop fighting for me? When did I start dragging my fucking feet to work, or waking up less than happy when I have all the reasons to be more than happy.

I have so much to be grateful for. I have family and friends that love me, I have a handsome boyfriend who loves and encourages me, we have a beautiful house that is lived in, food in our fridge, Hockey equipment that is over used regularly,  vacations to look forward to. I’m so thankful for all these things that I have in my life, but there’s still days that I wake up and I don’t even know whats wrong with me? People ask me what’s wrong and I don’t have an answer for them. Sometime people point out my obvious despondent vibes before I even notice, nor did I realize how my expressions are lacking in subtlety.  I’m trying hard to shake it and tell myself that I have no reason to be so ..mehh.

This feeling seems surprisingly familiar to me, there is no way i’m willing to spend any further time in this place. Its confusing and cold here. Despite my enthusiasm for winter sports, I need some warmth. I may not know how or where to start, how to even begin ridding this black cloud floating to closely above my spirits – But believe me I will.

thatgymgirl.

 

 

 

 

 

Suicide Is NEVER The Answer

Fuck the romanticism, and yes I do think you’re selfish

Standing In/Fitting Out

Today was the two-year anniversary when my brother passed away. I don’t really want to go into too much detail about it. Basically, all you need to know is that it was very hard for us when he left us. Okay, so he was a criminal, but he was also my brother, you know? I moved on. I got over his death, but it will never be the same at reunions and stuff.

Anyway, our topic today is suicide. It’s a rough topic, and most people are strong advocates against it (myself included). Perhaps it’s because we all know someone who committed suicide. Or, to take it a step further, perhaps you know someone close to you who has committed suicide. It’s rough. I don’t know firsthand what it feels like, but I imagine it’s as worse as my brother dying. And I apologize beforehand if my word choice is…

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This too shall pass.

Source: This too shall pass.

Body in a Box

So it happened.

the saddest day of my life thus far.

I was in Havelock on July 11, 2015 when my phone rang, and I knew. I knew before I even answered with a racing heart and quickened breathing, my heart and stomach were suddenly in knots. I slid the green talk button on my screen and did the exact opposite of what the button prompted. I heard breathing and she heard mine. She didn’t even have to say a word and I felt my heart shatter into a million pieces.

I never thought I’d be the barrier of new like this, never thought I’d have to share the news with my parents that their child, never thought I’d be an only child. So sad with his own life, has given himself to the stars, a place where he was free from himself and the demons that clouded his mind.

He was gone, left his body to a noose and a tree on a beautiful beach in the harbor of Port Hope, a place that had changed him in a matter of 7 short months.

I genuinely have never ever felt so much sadness bleed through my skin.

All I can say is that I’m sorry. I’m sorry I never told you how much you meant to me, how proud I am of you, how much I love you and I’m sorry that I couldn’t help.

The last conversation I held with my brother I shared in the Eulogy I gave at his funeral.

He asked me, through purple lips and medicated eyes, if we had a home. I held his hand, his cold clammy, frail hand, and I didn’t have much of an answer.

Our lives had never played out like most. But in this moment, his lack of met expectations had gotten the best of him.

I wish I could have answered him that night on the 4 hour drive to my aunts. But it wasn’t until now that I could conjure up an answer for my beloved brother.

Home isn’t a house- it isn’t even a set place on a map. It’s wherever the people you loved and loved you were, whenever you were together. Not a place, but a moment, a feeling.

Your home is in my heart now brother, where forever you can stay.

Rest in paradise handsome.

thatgymgirl. xo

Project Semicolon A Mental Health Organization

This too shall pass.

Crisis

---

Noun

Commonly defined as:

1. a stage in a sequence of events at which the trend of all future events,especially for better or for worse, is determined; turning point.

2. condition of instability or danger, as in social, economic, political, or international affairs, leading to a decisive change.

3.a dramatic emotional or circumstantial upheaval in a person’s life.

4. the point in the course of a serious disease at which a decisive change occurs, leading either to recovery or to death.

Life never ceases to amaze me you know, time passes to fast, people age to quick, love to little, work too hard and never live enough. And it kills me to know the only time we stop to see these brutally honest facts is in the face of adversity. In loss, in change, in misfortune, through hardships and hurdles.

My brothers young, hes smart, an enthusiast of art and cuisine. He was always there for me when I was little. He taught me to cook, and draw, and how to be independent and take care of myself. Then life happened our parents divorced and we went our separate ways. He stayed with her and I went with him.

14 years later he’s an addict, to all things alcohol and attention. He’s not the brother I knew under this devil and I don’t ever wish to see him this broken again. He is in full crisis mode and I can’t help but regret loosing touch with him through my teens, because maybe then things would be different.

How do you help someone you barely know anymore?

I owe it to him to support him but I can’t seem to wrap my head around his life.

How does someone become so broken?

I’m trying to understand his train of thought, to place myself in his shoes, but I just can not relate. The childhood he describes and his value are just so far off from mine. Maybe I grew up to fast, maybe I’m to realistic or cold hearted to believe that or sympathize.

So what do you do, feed them empty words that things will get better, don’t worry.. blahh blahh… do I believe that? yes, but I think the reality of the situation is more easily put as –  Put the bottle down and get your shit together because not one single person in this world is more important than yourself.

To me alcohol and drugs are a choice. its something you choose to do, if your stupid enough. but in this light, I’m starting to really see how addiction truly is a disease.

thatgymgirl.

Lake.

I’m grateful to say that I’ve had the opportunity to spend a lot of time out of the city growing up. My parents always had space north of our home for as long as I can remember. North enough that being barefoot and covered in dirt was acceptable, where you could be 100% carefree, where you were outside always, where you can get a fish hook straight up your nose and no one panicked. I value those times and I can never thank them enough for not only the experience but for the appreciation I have now for a simpler life. For waking up with the sun and going to bed when the fire burnt out.

It’s crazy though, life has a way of moving you forward, progressing you without even knowing.

Have you ever been on a floaty on a lake? You’re here, then all of a sudden your ten miles out and you don’t even remember how you got there. You swear you closed your eyes for a split second to bask in some sun, to let your mind wander and to relax from life. Then your there, 10 miles out in the blink of an eye. Life is a lot like that. You’re 5 and just dipping your toes in life, then your 22 years out in the middle of the lake trying to stay afloat, you didn’t even notice it happening and all you really have to show for it is the person you’ve become. All the waves along the way have just been that, waves. they come and they go, and they take us to all the places that were meant to be. they’re rough and they’re soft, slow and fast.

I guess what I’m getting at is that life plays out a lot faster than we realize and all its leaves us with are lessons and memories. Memories that never change of people and places that do. So live a little and enjoy it all, waves will pass and life will forever be moving forward.

So bask in the sun, a sun of your choice, and live this thing we call life and promise me this. Promise me you will not spend so much time treading water and trying to keep your head above the waves, that you forget, truly forget how much you have always loved to swim.

thatgymgirl.

Running

For someone who isn’t a runner I seem to do it well.

I do well for myself. Like most people, I face a multitude of obstacles throughout my days, many change of events, decisions to be made. Some are big, some are small, some take no effort and some exhaust you. But its funny how all these obstacles effect you differently.

For some, work related conflict or barriers seem to be hard, for others its family or friends. Everyone is different in how they handle situations, and every situation at hand is different.

I’ve come to realize that I myself am a runner. Not in the traditional sense, god knows i can’t actually run to save my fucking life. Running or any type of cardio for that matter. More of a running from things that will effect my emotional well being sense. It’s funny I’ve joked for so long about not loving people or having a heart of stone, chuckling to my single self, that I think that became the actual outcome. And now I find myself pushing away people anytime they get to close. Good people that love me and have done nothing wrong. But the worst part is, I never notice until its to late.

Maybe its what I’ve seen, or all i know but I’ve finally recognized it, and I don’t think I’m okay with it. Why wouldn’t you wanna be loved?  It seems silly to me that i’m 22 and just asking myself these questions now.

All I know is I don’t wanna fool around anymore. For all the other things I love in life I dive head first, I spend time working at my game, I organize my days to make sure I’m efficient at work, I spend time and dedicate myself to lots of things. Just so happens that none of them have been relationships.

Sometimes you need a smack in the face to notice these things before you can make a change..

after all, I’ve never been good at running.

thatgymgirl.

A Letter To My Birth Mom On Mother’s Day

Spot on

To be or not to be..

To be or not to be, that is the question.

Sorry Hamlet but I hardly consider this a question…

Decisions are not my strong suite believe it or not, but I’m learning to always BE. Be in control of my decisions, Be my best and Be really fucking happy.

I struggle with it and I believe plenty other people do as well. Making choices, BIG calls, not about what to have for dinner, if you should hit snooze again or get up, or what shoes you should wear today (although I always make my nike’s work..), I’m talking about decisions that will change you life on a large scale. School, Career’s  Lifestyle Changes, Moving, Large purchases, falling in love, things that you know will effect everything including the people around you… REAL FUCKING DECISIONS.

Weighing pro’s and con’s, giving in or letting go it’s all apart of the process the decision making blueprint embedded in us from birth – we are taught to hold onto things. anything we can get our hands onto, grasp it as if we will cease to exist if we let it go. Because letting go is giving up, quitting, and we all know that a cowardly thing to do. I’m learning as I grow older that we have to change our way of thinking. Maybe our parents, guardians or whomever, don’t actually know whats best for us. We need to be able to think for ourselves and learn to make proper decisions for ourselves because we are the only ones living our lives. Sometimes you need to let go and sometimes you need to hold on and run with it. Most importantly you need to make whatever decision you have to for YOURSELF. If a situation is weighing you down, change it. Stop worrying about other people and they’re petty expectations, learn to say no without feeling guilty. This is your life and if people can’t respect the decisions you make, well than that’s their problem not yours. Their loss.

The hardest part of it all isn’t the decision itself. It’s not what school or what program or what house or what car, that’s not the hard part because your heart and your gut already know what you want and what makes you happy. The hardest part is deciding that other peoples opinions on YOUR decision doesn’t matter. You need to draw that fucking line and do whats best for you. This is the only you you will ever have and you better make it a  damn happy one.

fight for yourself, you deserve that much.

thatgymgirl.