Disconnect

The strangest part is I honestly don’t know when it happened, or how it happened, or how everything effects EVERYTHING.

When did I become so ..not myself.

When did I stop writing? Laughing, dreaming, working towards things, being ambitious, being friendly, being a good energy in a room, believing in my damn self and my values, when did I stop standing up for myself and following my gut feeling.

Where did that fucking girl go? That girl, I was fucking proud of her. She had been through some shit and was still coming out on top, not letting a single person interfere with her pursuit of happiness.

I know Its been a crazy year, it really has, but that’s no excuse. I’ve lost someone I loved very dearly and I think i have lost part of myself in the process. I am not me, I can feel it and people can see it, I can see it. I see it when I look myself in the mirror and I question what I am doing, who I’m working for, what decision am I making, how am I letting the people around me influence my decisions. The issue is, is that I don’t know when or how this happened, how it got so far along. When did I stop fighting for me? When did I start dragging my fucking feet to work, or waking up less than happy when I have all the reasons to be more than happy.

I have so much to be grateful for. I have family and friends that love me, I have a handsome boyfriend who loves and encourages me, we have a beautiful house that is lived in, food in our fridge, Hockey equipment that is over used regularly,  vacations to look forward to. I’m so thankful for all these things that I have in my life, but there’s still days that I wake up and I don’t even know whats wrong with me? People ask me what’s wrong and I don’t have an answer for them. Sometime people point out my obvious despondent vibes before I even notice, nor did I realize how my expressions are lacking in subtlety.  I’m trying hard to shake it and tell myself that I have no reason to be so ..mehh.

This feeling seems surprisingly familiar to me, there is no way i’m willing to spend any further time in this place. Its confusing and cold here. Despite my enthusiasm for winter sports, I need some warmth. I may not know how or where to start, how to even begin ridding this black cloud floating to closely above my spirits – But believe me I will.

thatgymgirl.

 

 

 

 

 

Body in a Box

So it happened.

the saddest day of my life thus far.

I was in Havelock on July 11, 2015 when my phone rang, and I knew. I knew before I even answered with a racing heart and quickened breathing, my heart and stomach were suddenly in knots. I slid the green talk button on my screen and did the exact opposite of what the button prompted. I heard breathing and she heard mine. She didn’t even have to say a word and I felt my heart shatter into a million pieces.

I never thought I’d be the barrier of new like this, never thought I’d have to share the news with my parents that their child, never thought I’d be an only child. So sad with his own life, has given himself to the stars, a place where he was free from himself and the demons that clouded his mind.

He was gone, left his body to a noose and a tree on a beautiful beach in the harbor of Port Hope, a place that had changed him in a matter of 7 short months.

I genuinely have never ever felt so much sadness bleed through my skin.

All I can say is that I’m sorry. I’m sorry I never told you how much you meant to me, how proud I am of you, how much I love you and I’m sorry that I couldn’t help.

The last conversation I held with my brother I shared in the Eulogy I gave at his funeral.

He asked me, through purple lips and medicated eyes, if we had a home. I held his hand, his cold clammy, frail hand, and I didn’t have much of an answer.

Our lives had never played out like most. But in this moment, his lack of met expectations had gotten the best of him.

I wish I could have answered him that night on the 4 hour drive to my aunts. But it wasn’t until now that I could conjure up an answer for my beloved brother.

Home isn’t a house- it isn’t even a set place on a map. It’s wherever the people you loved and loved you were, whenever you were together. Not a place, but a moment, a feeling.

Your home is in my heart now brother, where forever you can stay.

Rest in paradise handsome.

thatgymgirl. xo

Project Semicolon A Mental Health Organization